It’s a worry I’ve had for some time, and I can’t shake it. Will the people I depend on get fed up hearing about my feelings and thoughts? Of course not; I’m very lucky. The support network I have always was and continues to be there for me. 

I think this time of year is going to be difficult. It would have been Marcia’s birthday next week and our 27th wedding anniversary three days later. The malaise I’ve felt most of this year has intensified lately. Which has brought back my depression. A sign of this is when I start to analyse every conversation or interaction I have. And always interpret it negatively. Friday I was working in the office and I couldn’t convince myself that everyone wasn’t judging me badly, or avoiding me. I needed the ride home to unwind, and put everything into perspective. The hour and a half ended with me having a clearer understanding of the actual situation. I could then acknowledge that in fact everyone was treating me as they always did. They were pleased to see me and the hours I had spent with them were fine.

On Saturday I rode to Windsor with Dylon, a fellow member of Moof IT CC. I didn’t sleep well, getting up about 03:30. As I sat watching the clock it was tempting to call it off. Of course the day was brilliant. I met Dylon at Richmond Park, our destination cafe was around 17 miles away. We chattted for a while about his recent trip to Paris and what we had planned.

So how did I feel as I wrote this?

As always time on my bike has settled me.

I can now believe it when people say I’m not boring or repetitive.

I am repeating myself, but that’s okay. I have to give myself more time. There will be much turmoil to come. 

Old feelings and thoughts will return, diminish, grow. Which is normal. Over time the peaks and troughs will be less extreme.