Talking is important. And I do a lot of it; more than I did a few years ago.

But I find that I no longer just talk about what I’m doing, what I’m interested in or plan to do.

I think I need to explain.

People ask me how I’m doing, how I’m coping. And I know what they mean. Am I dealing with life after Marcia? 

The answer is yes - most of the time.

It’s great to have the continued support. But it feels like my life is still centred around Dec 2023.

I’m conscious that I need to assure everyone that all is well - even demonstrate it. I’m not always sure what to say.

Sometimes I only want a normal conversation. Or to say nothing. The problem is that I feel like I’ve lost chat buddies with shared interests or history. Oxted Cycling club are great and support me and all of the members very well. And I do like riding with them. You’d think they’d provide my missing life element. Maybe it’s the largish group causing me anxiety and that’s the problem. I have written about this in the past. The thing is, when we get to a cafe I don’t want to talk power, cadence or average speed. All part and parcel of cyclist gatherings. I’ve also lost interest in watching racing, not helped by it becoming less available. When you take out all of those potential subjects there isn’t much left to discuss over coffee.

I like riding alone, but I miss having company. But having companions can lead to planning issues though. Where to go, where to stop. When to start, where to start. When to head for home. As you can see; I’m comflicted.

My recent holidays in Wales and Scotland highlighted this for me. I could ride exactly how I wanted. But it would have been great to create some shared memories. I wrote many blog posts; one reason was to allow people to vicariously join me. That helped. But I’m home now, with no one to talk to about those happy miles.

I’m not trying to garnering pity. I just wanted to write what’s on my mind. To maybe explain to others, the people I ride with for example, why I may seem less engaged or present. And to help others, I can’t be the only person facing this situation.